Seven Things I’m Thankful For
For all the people who ever fucked me over. You taught me how to run away from my problems and from other people faster than I ever thought I could. I am wary. I am nervous. I am hesitant and I run away from good things. I don’t know how else to live.
For every night I spent alone rolled up singular and upset in bed. I can be by myself now, and it only hurts sometimes. Every night you sleep alone with someone else in your heart makes you a little stronger. I’m on my way there.
For everyone who ever saw me crying in public and pretending they didn’t. Thank you. Thank you for pretending the bags under my eyes weren’t there, or for assuming they were from staying up late reading instead of letting anxiety be my bedmate. For everyone who heard me get choked up from the opposite end of a phone line and let themselves believe that it was just static in the connection.
For every boy who ever saw me naked and treated my body like it was a work of art. For ignoring my flaws and waking up next to me. I am thankful for anyone who ever touched me and did not dirty me because of their hands.
For my family thinking I am a failure and a loser. They don’t have to say it, I just know. It’s okay. It makes disappointing myself easier.
I am thankful for the disgusting city I call my home that never raised me. It smelled like dirt, gases and blood. People got stabbed in the apartment buildings and in the nightclubs. Cars got broken into and robbed. Bomb threats at the high school were regular. We lived under the veil of safety given to us by the midwest and ignored these things. For the dirt kids who were my friends and for the adults in my life who thought it was a shame I let them influence me. They taught me more about friendship, love, and toughing it out than anyone else could have. We got into trouble. I’m thankful. I’m glad. We learned how to live through the shitty stuff and we got through it all because we had each other.
For being able to love myself even though I don’t want to. I spent a lot of time hating myself and I’ve worked hard to get where I am. I relapse frequently and loathe myself for it. I will go back. I will be okay. I’m glad I realize this now.
my body doesn’t like food anymore lately and I feel ill whenever I try to sleep
life is swell